Untamed: Liberation from Self-Subjugation
In my quest to make meaning of humanity's bleak but relentless existence, explained as the emergence of a random interplay of chemicals and gases by modern science, if you will, I somehow found myself meditating in the middle of the White Desert. To think that if I had changed any of the smallest to biggest decisions I'd ever made, I might have missed the serenity experienced at this moment, so beautifully captured by my friend, Calvin. I'm unsure if I can fully encapsulate the complex sense of grief and relief that emerged as I sat there and reflected, but dare I try...
The recovering perfectionist in me couldn't help but think about all the moments in life when I failed myself—moments when I allowed absence and emptiness to define me more than the abundance and fullness that suffused my life. The irony of this grief is that I felt sorry for the time I lost on feeling sorry for myself. Fortunately, another part of me that is compassionate and forgiving pulled me out of that self-critical narrative that haunted me.
As I noticed this negotiation take place in my mind, I realized that this polarity that constructed the enigma that is my mind, even to myself, was something I battled for as long as I remembered... However, in defiance of my usual response to frantically intellectualize my state of confusion and contradiction, I chose to simply accept that this consciousness, congruent or not, consisted of essences that make me whole. In allowing the dissonance I once thought could never coexist sit in harmony, I felt that I unlocked the most profound sense of relief I had ever felt... a liberation from the subjugation I had placed on myself.
In my newfound laissez-aller, I surrender myself to the process that has and will continue to propel me to become truer, wiser, braver, stronger, and kinder; the process that never failed to manifest dreams and lead me to adventures that were meant for me...
Why ask for directions from anyone else if they have never been to the places we will go?
Why martyr ourselves in the name of others, as if ceasing to exist in our own rights is the only proof of our worth and testament to our love?
Why limit what we know, feel, and dare to imagine based on social constructs that put us in neat little boxes, when true human connections require us to reach beyond what bounds us?
Why submit to our instinct to avoid uncertainty, even though the beauty of life lies in the unknown—a place where all possibilities and impossibilities exist?
Though I may never figure out the significance of my existence, I am humbled and grateful to be just a little person with the privilege and conviction to spread compassion and a sense of belonging in this vast universe in ways that only I can.
This entry was inspired during a trip to Cairo, Egypt—led by my dear friend Calvin D. Sun, MD of Monsoon Diaries.
