Trauma Bonding or Love: An Important Distinction

In a recent peer consultation with several of my colleagues, we found ourselves pondering upon how to help clients gain more clarity about the reality of being in a toxic and abusive relationship... This led me to the question: "Why does some clients’ description of being in 'love' seem so similar to trauma bonding?"

Let's explore trauma bonding in relationships. Trauma bonding refers to an emotional attachment that is formed between individuals in an abusive relationship, specifically when one feels bonded with and sympathy for their abuser. What it can look like is a repeating cycle of abusive behaviors (e.g., shaming, belittling, gaslighting, sabotaging, harming, manipulating, isolating, threats of abandonment, etc.), followed by positive reinforcements (e.g., love bombing, affection, passion, attention, intimacy, empty promises of change, etc.) These alternating experiences can be disorienting and confusing for the victim. Trauma bonds can exist in any relationship dynamics with a power imbalance, such as child abuse, narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, human trafficking, cults, kidnapping, etc. Those who struggle with attachment trauma and love addiction may be more susceptible to trauma bonds.

Trauma bonds are extremely difficult to break out of because the people involved share intense emotional experiences and often confuse the emotional rollercoaster with emotional intimacy. Ongoing trauma bonding is toxic and unhealthy to one's physical health, mental health, and overall well-being. Some other characteristics of a trauma bond can include:

💡 Tip: if you find yourself constantly experiencing extreme emotional highs and lows, justifying "questionable" behaviors, defending someone's hurtful and inappropriate behaviors, and feeling unwilling to leave the situation, you may be in a trauma bond.

Loving relationships also face ups and downs. However, it differs from a trauma bond as it exists on an even keel where each individual takes responsibility in maintaining their own happiness while uplifting the other to their level of fulfillment, rather than relying and depending on the other to provide satisfaction. Of course, there are nuances to the power dynamic in certain relationships if one person has clear advantages over the other based on their social location (e.g., age, gender, race, ability, financial means, education, language, immigration status, etc). Loving relationships are healthy and safe connections based on mutual trust, respect, support, accountability, and a desire for both individuals' growth and happiness. They are fostered through clear and open communication, empathy, and the willingness to work through challenging situations together.

💡 Tip: Love should make you feel cherished, valued, respected, and emotionally fulfilled. If someone acts in ways that make you feel belittled, disrespected, confused, and ashamed, consider reevaluating your relationship and whether it provides you with the safety and satisfaction you deserve.

If you believe you are in a trauma bond, don't panic. You are NOT alone, stupid, or deserving of being treated in these ways. The intermittent reinforcement of being "loved" and then "saved" affects your brain and causes neurochemical dysregulation, convincing it to latch onto the positive feeling of relief and aim to acquire the same experience during the next cycle of abuse.

Healing from trauma bonding can be difficult, but it is entirely possible with help. During this process, especially if you are choosing to end your relationship with your abuser, you may experience symptoms of withdrawal, such as anxiety, panic, flashbacks, and cravings, in addition to other negative feelings, such as self-blame, embarrassment, and shame. Remember that "detoxing" and walking away from a trauma bond is not an easy or quick task.

Some ways to keep yourself grounded while you attempt to break the bond include:

As a therapist, I am mindful of the fact that not all abusive relationships are the same and that depending on the context and situation, ending an abusive relationship may not be safe, possible, or the only option available to you. If you are struggling to identify or break out of a trauma bond or abusive relationship, reach out for help today!

Sending you love and gentle healing ✨

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“Why Can’t They Just Say Sorry?”: The Power of Apologies in Relationships

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Drunk In Love: Understanding “Love Addiction”