Trauma Bonding or Love: An Important Distinction

In a recent peer consultation with several of my colleagues, we found ourselves pondering upon how to help clients gain more clarity about the reality of being in a toxic and abusive relationship... This led me to the question: "Why does some clients’ description of being in 'love' seem so similar to trauma bonding?"

Let's explore trauma bonding in relationships. Trauma bonding refers to an emotional attachment that is formed between individuals in an abusive relationship, specifically when one feels bonded with and sympathy for their abuser. What it can look like is a repeating cycle of abusive behaviors (e.g., shaming, belittling, gaslighting, sabotaging, harming, manipulating, isolating, threats of abandonment, etc.), followed by positive reinforcements (e.g., love bombing, affection, passion, attention, intimacy, empty promises of change, etc.) These alternating experiences can be disorienting and confusing for the victim. Trauma bonds can exist in any relationship dynamics with a power imbalance, such as child abuse, narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, human trafficking, cults, kidnapping, etc. Those who struggle with attachment trauma and love addiction may be more susceptible to trauma bonds.

Trauma bonds are extremely difficult to break out of because the people involved share intense emotional experiences and often confuse the emotional rollercoaster with emotional intimacy. Ongoing trauma bonding is toxic and unhealthy to one's physical health, mental health, and overall well-being. Some other characteristics of a trauma bond can include:

• Love Bombing

  The abuser excessively displays affection, flattery, and praises to "win over" the victim at the beginning of the relationship.

• Criticism/Nickpicking

  The abuser picks the victim apart and demeans their qualities, which leads to the loss of self-confidence and cultivates a negative self-concept.

• Manipulation/Gaslighting

  The abuser engages the victim in ways that distort their perception of reality, making them doubt their experiences, feel like they're the problem, and feel guilty about speaking up for their needs.

• Empty Promises

  The abuser makes promises that convince the victim to depend on and trust them, often without following through.

• Isolation & Loss of Self

  The victim feels isolated by the abuser from other sources of support, and they no longer feel like themselves nor feel connected to the world they once knew.

• Emotional Addiction

  The victim gets hooked on the emotional validation and positive reinforcement that comes with the abuse. Even when the victim realizes that they don't like the abuser, they still can't help but stay.

💡 Tip: if you find yourself constantly experiencing extreme emotional highs and lows, justifying "questionable" behaviors, defending someone's hurtful and inappropriate behaviors, and feeling unwilling to leave the situation, you may be in a trauma bond.

Loving relationships also face ups and downs. However, it differs from a trauma bond as it exists on an even keel where each individual takes responsibility in maintaining their own happiness while uplifting the other to their level of fulfillment, rather than relying and depending on the other to provide satisfaction. Of course, there are nuances to the power dynamic in certain relationships if one person has clear advantages over the other based on their social location (e.g., age, gender, race, ability, financial means, education, language, immigration status, etc). Loving relationships are healthy and safe connections based on mutual trust, respect, support, accountability, and a desire for both individuals' growth and happiness. They are fostered through clear and open communication, empathy, and the willingness to work through challenging situations together.

💡 Tip: Love should make you feel cherished, valued, respected, and emotionally fulfilled. If someone acts in ways that make you feel belittled, disrespected, confused, and ashamed, consider reevaluating your relationship and whether it provides you with the safety and satisfaction you deserve.

If you believe you are in a trauma bond, don't panic. You are NOT alone, stupid, or deserving of being treated in these ways. The intermittent reinforcement of being "loved" and then "saved" affects your brain and causes neurochemical dysregulation, convincing it to latch onto the positive feeling of relief and aim to acquire the same experience during the next cycle of abuse.

Healing from trauma bonding can be difficult, but it is entirely possible with help. During this process, especially if you are choosing to end your relationship with your abuser, you may experience symptoms of withdrawal, such as anxiety, panic, flashbacks, and cravings, in addition to other negative feelings, such as self-blame, embarrassment, and shame. Remember that "detoxing" and walking away from a trauma bond is not an easy or quick task.

Some ways to keep yourself grounded while you attempt to break the bond include:

• Focus on your truth.

  Your abuser may not be in a place to acknowledge or change their abusive behaviors, but that doesn't have to stop you from believing your experiences of them. Taking a moment to educate yourself and examining your relationship can help you gain clarity about how you are treated in your relationship(s). Try not to excuse any negative, destructive, hurtful, and abusive behaviors.

• Practice self-compassion and love.

  YOU'RE A SURVIVOR. You may be feeling hurt and confused, and you may even blame yourself for it. But I assure you that it is not your fault, and I am so glad that you are on your way towards healing. Practicing self-compassion is a commitment to be loving, kind, and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Rather than blaming yourself or ignoring your pain, support and take care of yourself as you would a loved one if they were suffering the way you are.

• Grieve.

  Victims and those who are trying to help them move on often hyper-focus on moving on. However, leaving any relationship, even the abusive and hurtful ones, can feel like a huge loss. Take the time it takes to process your pain and honor your life journey along with the lessons it's meant to teach you.

• Connect with loved ones.

  I will emphasize time and time again that healing doesn't have to happen in isolation. We all find ourselves in a place of vulnerability throughout life, especially when we're suffering. You don't have to hide your pain, and being around those who love you can help keep you safe while you figure out what to do and recalibrate your sense of self.

• Seek professional help.

  There are many ways to receive support, and seeing a therapist or joining a support group are great options to help you process your experiences, uncover relational patterns, learn new ways to form healthy attachments, and create a strategy to move on.

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As a therapist, I am mindful of the fact that not all abusive relationships are the same and that depending on the context and situation, ending an abusive relationship may not be safe, possible, or the only option available to you. If you are struggling to identify or break out of a trauma bond or abusive relationship, reach out for help today!

Sending you love and gentle healing ✨