The Misconception of Resilience: “What if I’m Not Strong Enough to be Resilient?”
Photo by @wanderingwoo
In therapy, we sometimes delve into clients' traumas, anxieties, and painful memories that might be intolerable or triggering to think about in any other setting. Then we help develop new ways in which clients engage with adversities and establish specific coping strategies to adapt to hardships, which is part of being resilient. However, a client recently asked me, "What if I'm not strong enough to be resilient?"
For something I find incredibly ill-defined, resilience has become a tenet for human potential and a metric to measure strength. We encourage each other by using narratives such as "You're so strong for overcoming this." While we hold the best of intentions, this narrative can come off as dismissive, gaslit, and even shaming for those who may feel powerless against their adversities.
Resilience isn't about having the strength to eradicate our fear and anxiety, as they are normal and automatic human responses and a part of our mind and body's process of protecting us from threats and perceived dangers. So instead of ignoring or attempting to overpower these automatic responses designed to keep us feeling safe, being resilient is recognizing that while we have limitations, we can also try to find the courage to accept our reality and live with the uncertainty.
So here are some things to reflect upon to as you build resilience:
1. What are your strengths, weaknesses, emotions, values, natural inclinations, tendencies, and motivation?
Gaining more self-awareness can help you become more attuned with yourself. When you see yourself more accurately, you make sounder decisions, feel more confident, build better relationships, and communicate more effectively with others.
2. What are you fearful of at this moment, and why?
Making sense of your feelings and recognizing the true nature and roots of your adversity is extremely important. For example, if you are feeling anxious about uncertainty, ask yourself, "Am I truly afraid of uncertainty, or am I anxious about the worst-case scenario that my mind has made up?"
3. Are your narratives and beliefs rational or helpful? Why or why not?
Labeling the (ir)rationality behind your narratives and beliefs can help you distance yourself from them. Remember, your thoughts and feelings are just that—they are temporary and they do not define you.
4. Are you ready to face your fears? Why or why not?
Sometimes we possess a sense of "learned helplessness" after we experience a stressful situation repeatedly. If this is the case, that’s ok. But gently confront it by asking yourself, how can you find the power and courage to motivate yourself to unlearn it so that you will be ready to face your fears?
5. Who are the people in your life that you can depend on right now, and how can you ask for support?
Cultivating deep connections with others and avoiding social isolation can help you feel more empowered and supported. You are not alone and don't have to choose to be alone either!
6. What can you do to take care of yourself right now?
Self-care is an active choice to engage in activities that are required for your optimal level of physical, mental, social, and spiritual health. Ask yourself, what do you need to be ok?
7. Are you being kind to yourself?
You deserve self-compassion and love, even if you don't believe it sometimes. Confronting your suffering with kindness, warmth, and without judgment will help you manage your stress as you navigate your internal and external demands.
Lastly, some gentle reminders:
Allow yourself to feel all your emotions (yes, even the “negative” ones), and don't judge them.
Not feeling resilient or powerful in a given moment does NOT mean you aren't strong.
Forgive yourself for not always feeling your best. We all have vulnerabilities, and they do not make us weak.
Give yourself permission to celebrate your victory and claim your growth each time you overcome hardship, no matter how big or small!
xx
“When we learn how to become resilient, we learn how to embrace the beautifully broad spectrum of the human experience”
