Why “Never Settle” Might Be Keeping You Single
In today’s dating culture, “never settle” has become a rallying cry. It’s a phrase meant to empower people, urging them to hold out for the best partner possible. Social media, dating apps, and self-help gurus all reinforce the idea that we should strive for the ultimate connection—one that checks boxes and meets every expectation.
But in practice, “never settle” can sometimes do more harm than good. As a therapist, I see how this mindset reinforces transactional pursuits in dating culture, hinders relationship growth, fuels unrealistic expectations, and creates a paradox of choice that keeps people perpetually searching rather than investing in meaningful connections.
Let’s break down why this approach might be problematic and what a healthier alternative perspective can look like.
The Narcissistic Side of “Never Settle”
At its core, the “never settle” mindset can sometimes stem from a self-centered, almost narcissistic way of thinking—one that positions the self as inherently deserving of a perfect partner without considering the mutual effort relationships require. It implies that love should be about finding someone who meets your expectations, your desires, and your checklist, rather than fostering a partnership built on shared growth and compromise. This mentality can create an inflated sense of entitlement, where individuals focus solely on what they are receiving rather than what they are contributing to a relationship.
When we reject the idea that relationships are a two-way street, we risk turning love into a transactional pursuit rather than an intimate, mutual, and evolving connection.
The Illusion of a Perfect Partner
At its core, “never settle” assumes that there is an ideal partner out there—someone who will meet all of our needs, fulfill all of our desires, and never require compromise or sacrifice. The truth is that no one is perfect, and ALL relationships require work. A great partner is not necessarily someone who meets every single criterion but rather someone who is willing to grow, communicate, and navigate life’s challenges together.
When people adopt a “never settle” mindset rigidly, they often dismiss potential partners for minor imperfections. They may focus on dealbreakers that, in reality, could be negotiated or outweighed by deeper compatibility. This can lead to a cycle of chasing an impossible standard and feeling perpetually unsatisfied.
Commitment vs. Settling
Many people fear that choosing a partner means “settling” for something less than ideal. But settling and committing are not the same thing! Settling means accepting a situation that actively makes you unhappy or is misaligned with your core values. Commitment, on the other hand, means choosing to nurture a relationship despite imperfections.
A healthy relationship isn’t about finding someone who is flawless—it’s about choosing someone whose flaws you can live with and who is willing to work on the relationship alongside you. Instead of asking, “Am I settling?” a better question might be, “Can we build a fulfilling life together, even with our differences?”
The Problem with Endless Options
Dating apps and social media have made it easier than ever to meet new people, but they’ve also created a tricky paradox of choice. With so many potential partners available at the swipe of a finger, people often wonder if someone “better” is just one match away—this can make it incredibly difficult to fully invest in the person in front of them.
Research suggests that having too many choices can lead to decision fatigue, dissatisfaction, and anxiety. If we always believe there’s something better out there, we struggle to appreciate what we have. Rather than endlessly searching for a mythical “perfect soulmate” of a partner, true relationship success comes from deepening connections with real people, embracing their complexities, and building something meaningful together.
Growth Happens IN Relationships, NOT in Waiting
Another issue with the “never settle” mentality is that it assumes we need to find or be a “finished product”—a person who is already emotionally mature, financially stable, and perfectly aligned with us. But relationships are dynamic; people can grow and change together over time.
💡 Rather than waiting for the “perfect” person to appear, a more constructive approach is to ask:
Do we share fundamental core values? Do we prioritize similar things in life?
Is this person willing to grow with me and am I willing to grow with them? What does that growth look like?
Can we co-create emotional safety and communicate/work through conflicts?
Are we equipped to repair after conflicts and disagreements take place? If not, what do we need to be more prepared?
When these elements are present, relationships become spaces for mutual evolution rather than a search for a predetermined ideal.
Shifting the Mindset: From “Never Settle” to “Choose Wisely”
Instead of rigidly holding onto “never settle” as your rule of thumb, a healthier approach is to choose with love, care and intention. This means being conscious about your standards, understanding what truly matters in a partner, and recognizing that no relationship is without challenges.
💡 Here’s what this looks like in practice:
Know your non-negotiables: Identify your core values and needs, but be flexible on preferences that don’t impact long-term compatibility.
Prioritize emotional safety and growth: A good relationship is one where you feel emotionally safe, respected, and able to cultivate growth together.
Recognize the difference between red flags and imperfections: Not every flaw is a dealbreaker. Learn to distinguish between unhealthy patterns and normal human shortcomings.
At the end of the day, love isn’t about finding someone who meets every overly-idealized expectation—it’s about building a life with someone who is willing to show up, put in the work, and grow through the inevitable messiness of being human together.
